How To Lose Friends and Influence Nobody

Argue, that’s how. Navigating the fraught world of political conversation in a contentious time.

Life’s better when you’re not butting heads.

I used to have a lot of friends with different political views than mine. I have a lot fewer of them now, mostly as a result of trying to talk the issues of the day with them. It wasn’t my choice to lose them, but it was, to some extent, a consequence of my actions, sometimes more than others. I’d like to avoid losing friends when it’s within my power to do so.

If I can avoid politics and have a friendly relationship, great. I have no desire to only surround myself with copies of myself, and I don’t need to talk about politics all the time. Sometimes, I don’t even want to know where someone is at politically. I won’t talk politics until and unless I feel I can trust them, which isn’t the same thing as agreeing with them. I don’t feel I have to bare my soul about my finances. Why should I feel I have to share everything about my politics? Sometimes, it’s just not the right thing to do. But I’m happy talking anything else if it’s good conversation.

If I restricted myself to only people I agree with politically, it’d be a pretty boring world, and there’s plenty else to talk about. Good people can disagree, they really can, and still find other areas in which they agree. Oddly, a lot of my former friends don’t seem to see it that way. It must get pretty dull. I guess it depends on whether you want conversation or merely affirmation.

Some people won’t leave it alone. They can be relentless. My all-purpose response is, “well, how about that?” Also good are, “you don’t say,” or even “how ‘bout them Packers?” Mouth moves, words come out, nothing is said. Don’t let them bait you into going off.

If I want to engage, I will ask questions. “What do you mean by that?” and “how does (would) that work?” will cover 90 per cent of situations, and loaded phrases, like liberal or socialist, have many meanings to many people. I’ll put a lid on my desire to tell them how it is, a thing that’s led to my downfall many times.

Honest questions are not a dodge. If asked out of genuine curiosity, they can lead to genuine understanding, which, you’d think, would be the goal of all conversation.

Don’t ask loaded questions. Don’t make it a checkmate. Ask something you’d really like to know the answer to, even how they’d answer objections. Maybe they’ll get hooked on the joy of a good conversation, but don’t count on it. Begin by being a good listener. There are so few of them.

Good questions make them think. If forced to explain themselves to you, they might find holes in their logic. Who knows. It can’t hurt to make them think through what they believe. They’ve probably never been forced to.

If they really put me on the spot, and I know it’s going to be an argument if I answer, I’ll say I prefer not to discuss living politicians, because it just becomes about personalities. I’m much more interested in political philosophies. What do you call yourself? Liberal? Conservative? Do you believe in the Constitution? The Bill of Rights? Ask follow-ups. “So you’re a socialist. Do you think private property should be abolished?” Draw them out into what they believe in, not who they believe in. More interesting and more productive. When you’ve established some common ground, you might get somewhere.

And always be honest. That doesn’t mean you have to share all your thoughts. You’re not so obligated. You have a right to keep your own private thoughts to yourself. But if you do feel called to express them, be prepared to suffer the consequences. They can be harsh.