Zoned Out

Animal husbandry on the edge of legality

The offenders

My second foray into illegal urban poultry production provides a cautionary tale. After success with layers and broilers, and not getting caught, I was on to turkeys. Big mistake.

I got seven turkeys of a heritage breed that look just like wild ones. I rigged up a run for them in my hoop house, and planned ahead to have them ready in time for Thanksgiving, that great celebration of food, agrarianism, and gratitude that unites Americans. The pen was kind of make-shift, but it worked to house Da Loit, Rice Man, Sandy, and the others, named by my eight-year-olds.

What didn’t work so well was the dang turkeys. Turkeys are really loud. And they’re stupid. And not eager-to-please. Every time a truck went by, or they heard a siren, or I hammered nails, they broke into a chorus of gobbling. Really loud gobbling. I could hear them four blocks away. There was no hiding this. 

Eventually, somebody ratted us out, and I got a call from city zoning. They gave me 30 days to get rid of them, which was enough to get them almost to finished weight, so at least I was able to butcher and salvage them. And of course they turned out pretty well. But I’ll never try that again in town.

And if I ever raise turkeys again anywhere, they’ll be as far from the house as I can put them. 

But I’ve learned some interesting things about zoning. One is that if something is not specifically authorized in the zoning ordinances, it’s not allowed. I thought I heard that wrong from the zoning officer, so I asked him to repeat it. But it’s true. Anything not specifically noted in the ordinances is not legal. If your Bible study, ornamental planting, corn hole game, whatever, didn’t make it into the zoning code, forget it. You have to call zoning and ask permission. I couldn’t believe this was a principle of zoning law, but I guess it is. Don’t ask me: I’m no lawyer, but it seems like defaulting to “everything is presumed illegal unless otherwise noted,” is a crazy way to run the law. It kinda doesn’t seem like a principle that befits free citizens of a self-governing republic, but what do I know? And who knew the people who wrote the code were omniscient?

One other thing is that city residential zoning specifically excludes anything to do with animal husbandry. Pets yes, meat or milk no. Pot-bellied pet pig ok, pork no. I always wanted to walk a chicken on a leash and call it a pet, which would be a pretty accurate reflection of the way a lot of people are attached to their hens. I was appalled at the prejudice against agriculture in a formerly agrarian nation. 

My daughter always wanted to get a miniature horse, and we had a large enough yard to pasture it. I had other large yards lined up as potential hayfields, to put up by hand. When an aldermanic candidate came by campaigning, she lobbied him for it. On another occasion, she called city zoning to ask about it. They hung up on her, despite sounding obviously like a 10-year old.